liz in la

i must escape all this nerveracking happiness

I get restless and sometimes self-destructive. Previous to this current time of age-mellowed wisdom I might have done something (theoretically) like get my nose pierced, dye my hair blue, get a tattoo, experiment with homosexuality, try a new illegal drug or go on a roadtrip in a VW Van with a roadie named String.

But now I am ever so much more mature. Hence...

distraction by bangs, $70

The last time I had bangs I was a virgin.

Here's the life update: I am seeing someone. He may be awesome or he may be Satan. I cannot tell the difference. So I got bangs and am escaping to Omaha this weekend to party with my Sista. In Nebraska. Next weekend, Missouri.

It's a tour of the midwest. There will be corn, ballet and my 90 year old grandfather. Who has begun to lose his mind and the only topic of any interest to him is my ex. Who cheated on me.

Grandpa: How's beau?

Me: Dead to me.

Grandpa: He died?!

Me: No, it's an expression. He's dead to me. I don't talk to him anymore.

Grandpa: What happened? I always liked him.

Me: I did, too. Until he cheated on me.

Grandpa: Well the weather here has been real dry.

I'm not sure bangs and a tour of the midwest are an improvement over my old ways of dealing.

I miss acid.

how to get a free dinner

swoon, $0

Don Antonio's is awesome Mexican food and I fancied some tonight. I was catching up with an old friend that I hadn't seen in awhile, drank a margarita, had a few chips and then BOOM.

I turned into Scarlett Freaking O'Hara.

One moment I'm fine, the next I have my head between my knees desperately trying to figure out if I need to throw up or pass out. I collected myself enough to make a dash for the door, as if it was going to be vomit I cannot do that in front of food. Or strangers for that matter. Blind (I was literally blind) I made it out the back door. There, I felt my control over my limbs lessen and I lowered myself to the ground and swooned.

I swooned, on the ground, in an alley in a WHITE shirt. Tragically short-sightedwardrobing decision this morning. As I was coming back around I still couldn't see, but I heard frantic voices speaking Spanish.

I thought, Fuck. I'm dead.

And heaven is in Mexico.

because having a cat just wasn't doing it anymore...

Shall we just call it the spinster pot?

crock pot, $29.95

Oh yeah. This is totally Em's fault. I have no commentary for this one. Please, feel free to point and laugh, but do NOT expect me to share my vegan chocolate pudding cake.

shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits

Thanks for the laughs, George.

when you are engulfed in flames

alone in bed, laughing so loudly you scare the cat, $16

There is a nasty little virus making the rounds. I got this information the hard way, the viral way. I won't go into gory details, but toilet proximity and a good book are the key to persevering and the eventual defeat of this invisible miscreant.

David Sedaris has done it again, with his new book, When You Are Engulfed in Flames. Here's a bite of David's sage like wisdom "...which is a bit like trying to convince someone to find you attractive and it doesn't it work. I've tried it."

And now glamorous photographs from my boudoir -- a.k.a. the sickbed (ground zero for fevered, sweaty... yeah, pretty much just sweat and fever.)

blame my knee for this indignity

training for my back-up career as a stripper, $30

My right knee has risen up in protest against the trail of tears style running I've been doing of late. After last Thursday's 6 miles, I could barely bend it for four days. Which is how I found myself atBestBuy this evening in the fitness/workout DVD section.

TaeBo looked interesting until I visualized Bartleby catching a stray kick and becoming dangerously airborne. I hate Denise Austin. It is an unreasonable hatred, but her smile makes something in my kidney's catch fire. I finally settled on Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease: Vegas Strip:

Oh yes, I did. I am, and I quote, stripping my way to fitness. Because that is hilarious and also, has practical applications in the bedroom. This is genius. AND, classy.

The other title I purchased was 10 minute solution Tone Trouble Zones (body band included!!):

This one I got because it came with a giant green rubber band. And I didn't have one of those.

-----

Please check out Em's portrait that she drew of me. It doesn't disappoint.

never trust a minimalist

Anyone still out there? I apologize, I've been soul searching and as it turns out, my soul loves stuff.

I was recently exposed to a minimalist. If you've never met one, they are maddening and fundamentally flawed. They will never understand the appeal of clever storage solutions for modern living, as the need to store is predicated upon the acquiring of things what need storing. Minimalists can be identified as the people standing in shops not buying things whilst looking impossibly smug and self-righteous about it. Additionally, their homes tend to be marvels of acoustics. There not being anything to soak up or deflect the sound waves.

Exposure to this illness (minimalism) sent me into a tailspin. One that began with me questioning why I have three back up bottles of hairspray, four deodorants, 14 cans of Andersen's split pea soup and culminated in two trips to the Goodwill drop-off lot. I regained my senses after purging down to my wardrobe's core (Fear not, no shoes were harmed in this exercise.)

The striking result of all this cathartic cleansing and paring down? Now I have room to buy some more stuff.

Consumerism has now resumed, per usual.

ipod running playlist, a history

I've taken up running again, because I started baking... because I stopped smoking. There is no telling where this vicious cycle will end. I ran five miles tonight. I am impressed with myself and my amazing playlist, which I began compiling with my first mp3 player in 2002.

music to run to, $105 for the entire collection

I shared this playlist once before and was mocked for having "girl" music. This is going to come as quite a shock but I HAVE OVARIES. Two, actually. And all the estrogen that implies. Also, there are two country songs included, because not only do I have ovaries, but I was raised in Missouri.

runlizrun
Miss Murder /AFI   
I Wanna Love You /Akon featuring Snoop Dogg
Boom Boom    /The Animals   
I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor/Arctic Monkeys       
You Probably Couldn't See For The Lights.../Arctic Monkeys       
Stranger Than Fiction/Bad Religion       
21st Century Digital Boy    /Bad Religion       
i saw her standing there    /The Beatles                   
i'll be your man    /The Black Keys               
Mine Again/Black Lab       
Gone  /Black Lab       
I Miss You  /Blink-182   
call me/Blondie                   
one way or another/Blondie                   
Sorry    /Buckcherry       
Crazy Bitch    /Buckcherry       
I Will Survive/Cake       
I Feel The Earth Move/Carole King   
A Country Boy Can Survive /Chad Brock with Hank Williams and George Jones       
Devil went down to Georgia/Charlie Daniels Band
Torn    /Creed   
My Sacrifice    /Creed   
10,000/Disturbed       
Forgiven/Disturbed       
Sunshine Superman/ Donovan
Bodies/Drowning Pool       
Heroin Girl    /Everclear       
Black Jesus    /Everlast   
Dance Dance/Fall Out Boy   
Sugar, We're Goin Down    /Fall Out Boy       
This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race/Fall Out Boy   
Love/G. Love       
Gone Daddy Gone/Gnarls Barkley   
Stay With You/Goo Goo Dolls       
You Could Be Mine/Guns 'n' Roses       
Get Stoned/Hinder   
Anna Molly/Incubus       
Are You Gonna Be My Girl/JET   
Jack and Diane/John Mellencamp       
SexyBack/Justin Timberlake
Read My Mind/The Killers   
Coming Undone/Korn       
Given Up/Linkin Park   
What I've Done/Linkin Park       
Bleed It Out    /Linkin Park       
Jane Fonda/Mickey Avalon   
Better Side of Me/Modern Day Zero       
Sick Inside/Modern Day Zero       
When You Lie/Modern Day Zero       
Ice Cream/Muscles       
Starlight/Muse       
Welcome To The Black Parade/My Chemical Romance       
House Of Wolves/My Chemical Romance       
Famous Last Words/My Chemical Romance       
Rockstar/Nickelback   
Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)/Nickelback       
Someday/Nickelback       
B.O.B./Outkast       
Young Folks    /Peter Bjorn
Steady As She Goes/The Raconteurs       
Face Down    /The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus       
Gasoline    /Seether       
Fake It/Seether   
F.N.T./Semisonic   
It Wasn't Me /Shaggy   
Angel    /Shaggy           
Tear You Apart    /She Wants Revenge       
Save Me    /Shinedown       
Come What(ever) May    /Stone Sour       
Reborn    /Stone Sour       
It's All Over    /Three Days Grace       
Animal I Have Become    /Three Days Grace       
Pain    /Three Days Grace               
Blister In The Sun    /Violent Femmes   
Beverly Hills     /Weezer       
Perfect Situation    /Weezer       
My Best Friend    /Weezer       
Black Math    /The White Stripes       
Girl You Have No Faith In Medicine    /The White Stripes       
Stricken/Disturbed       
Crooked Teeth/Death Cab For Cutie   
Soldier Boy    /Mason Jennings       
Simple Life    /Mason Jennings       
Eye of the Tiger    /Survivor       
Detangler    /Nickelback       
Do This Anymore    /Nickelback       
you shook me all night long/ACDC                   
a hard day's night    /The Beatles                   
yearnin'/The Black Keys                   
Glory Days    /Bruce Springsteen       
Everybody Dance Now /C&C Music Factory
Bad To The Bone    /George Thorogood & The Destroyers   
Minority/Greenday                   
Get What You Need/JET   
Cold Hard Bitch/JET   
Space Lord    /Monster Magnet   
Super Freak    /Rick James   
Baby Got Back/Sir Mixalot       
Pro-test/Skinny Puppy
The Power    /Snap!   

           


           

it was all downhill from the cheerios

medicinal vodka, on-hand, pre-frozen

Today was the sort of day that demanded a happy ending, i.e. unsupervised consumption of cocktails.

By 10 a.m. I had managed to get cheerios in my bra. By 11 a.m. I was halfway through resume and portfolio reviews. It is amazing I did not run screaming down the street to the liquor store. I was feeling the urge for a glass of wine when I came across a cover letter, composed in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. Because nothing says "Hire me!" like the inappropriate and egregious usage of caps.

Followed up by another cover letter that proclaimed, "I believe in FUNctional design!"

Yep, puttin' the fun back in functional. I simply cannot grant an interview to an individual who has nauseated me.

And the climax of the ridiculous was brought by a woman who included her key lime pie recipe in her portfolio.

I just resented the implication. But Em argued that I should grant her an interview, as her recipe called for fresh lime juice. Thus showing a laudable attention to quality and detail.

Sorry, no.

everything should end in cookies

Santa Monica sunset beach yoga, free


 








Velma & I joined 25 strangers on the bluffs overlooking the ocean. Then in unison, we all commenced synchronized yoga poses, publicly. Lying down twisty poses get tricky when you are in close proximity to other lying down, twisted people. I was trying to stretch out my right arm, but that would have meant flinging it over the top of Velma and resting it on her boobs. She said, "Just lay your arm down."

Because I am from the Midwest and about the only religiously held belief I have left is the Divine Order of Adequate Personal Space, I stretched my arm out in the air, hovering above Velma. She responded by loudly directing me to, "Relax your arm, bitch."

So I gently rested my arm across her tits. Because I was afraid not to.

During the class, three young men who were passing by loudly made observations on the assorted class booty. While I'm told (repeatedly) that I should not make assumptions about people, I feel strongly that they were members of an urban social club whose activities include criminal enterprise and the wearing of very large shorts.

I asked them politely to move along. I was seconded in my desire to have them go by a man in the yoga class. They repeatedly referred to him as"dog". He and I found this perplexing and not at all germane to the conversation. Finally, having exhausted their limited lexicon by the eighth repetition of "dog", they moved on.

It was brilliant and at the end they gave us cookies. I love anything that ends in cookies.


sex & alcohol Sunday, $45

Em & I met at the  Grove to see the Sex & the City movie where she proudly showed me her new cookbook, whilst waving it about and intermittently opening it to site the finer points of twelve hour polenta.  Em is mostly Charlotte, while I can apply the archetype of Samantha. Which is why when two ladies cut in line in front of us, Em subtly pointed it out and then I sent their sorry asses to the back of the line. Probably for the best, I'm not sure it's possible to be taken seriously while carrying a crock-pot cookbook entitled, "Not Your Mother's Slow Cooker".

Today was a beautiful day. Unlike yesterday, when I called a woman a whore at Bed, Bath & Beyond. She totally had that coming.