My Grandfather's wife called today. She shouts on the phone, because I live very far away.
"Liz? Hello?! Liz? Are you there? It's me. Liz? LIZ?"
She was shouting over my repeated "hellos" therefore not hearing any of them. Apparently, my Grandfather has been in the ICU for ten days following a surgery to clear a particularly sausage and egg polluted artery. TEN DAYS. Yesterday, he asked her to call me. She got around to it today. She's not evil, she's just really not overly bright. It's not her fault. But it's insanely make me want to pluck out my eyelashes, smear myself with peanut butter and run down the street naked screaming CHEESE - annoying.
I need a plane ticket and a bucket of horse tranquilizers. From all accounts it looks pretty touch and go, and he's asking for me, perhaps on his death bed. Because I didn't have enough fucking guilt.
If I sound blase it is just because I've done this too many times. I am fresh out of parents and down to one surly, racist and utterly lovable Grandfather. He's also a Republican.
There are so many problems with the Cabot family. I love them, mostly because I have to, yet, they are all assholes. Really and truly, which is likely where I get it from. They fight. They hold grudges. They judge. In fact, they may have invented judgment. Seriously, God and that impossibly perfect bitch at the Sephora cosmetic counter have nothing on the Cabots. One could surmise that I went out of my way to be an art student, pierce my nose, get a tattoo and live in sin for nearly a decade just to give them something to do. And by do, I mean judge.
Here's their problem, well, one problem. They don't drink. At all. I never even saw so much as a wine bottle in all my growing up years around these people. They desperately need a drink. Which is why if this fiasco turns into a funeral, I'm bring a box of wine. And none of that cutesy two-bottle box of wine crap, NO. And also, a hip flask.
If he goes at the hospital perhaps I can bribe a nice orderly into hooking me up intravenously. That would be awesome.
On a brighter note, I bought a new dress today for a black tie event I may or may not make it to now. I needed a new dress and by needed I of course mean that it was absolutely an unnecessary purchase and not at all like the need that African children have for clean drinking water, which is the focus of the charity event that I'm attending. BUT It are the red and the pretty and make me happy in that deeply materialistic part of my soul. Following the dress, more gratuitous photos of my cat.
ENJOY!
